Losing My Religion: A De-Conversion Story
I went in search of the gospel and lost my faith in God.
Religious connotations aside, “gospel” literally means something accepted as infallible truth. It doesn’t have to be the ultimate truth-it just has to be accepted as such. For over twenty years I had been raised to believe in the gospel truth, and I was a good Christian.
I attended private Christian universities, worked in no less than three Christian bookstores, and became an outspoken advocate for my evolving faith. From a Baptist deacon’s daughter to a woman manically studying the Bible and becoming a Messianic believer, I felt I was on the right path.
Digging deeper into the Hebrew context of Scripture than I had ever dreamed, my layers of faith began to peel back. Jesus’ name would have been Yeshua, or at least a variation of that Jewish name. Okay, I can handle that. He celebrated Hanukkah? Well, giving up Christmas won’t go over too well with Mom. Still, I stood my ground.
I even lost my job at the Christian bookstore for wanting to have Saturdays off for Sabbath. For over two years I firmly believed in my newfound Hebraic Christianity, to the point of losing income and friends. I had become a religious fanatic.
When peeling back layers of belief that have been ingrained in you for so long, sometimes you stop at a certain point. You sit there at that place and feel content to go no further. This wasn’t my case. I’d come too far, dug too deep, and now I found myself questioning the divinity of Jesus.
The internal conflict was tremendous. I considered conversion to Judaism, but by that point I was questioning the very existence of God. I was still spiritual but no longer believed in the Christian deity. I felt lost and confused without a proper label, but then I discovered the term “naturalistic pantheism.”
It gave an answer as to why I feel spiritual even though I’d lost my belief. All my life I’d felt connected to something greater than myself, and here pantheism was saying that feeling was natural. It’s part of being human.
The universe is immense, vaster than our human minds can comprehend. It has the ability to create and destroy with power beyond that imagined by man-power equal to any god. There’s something incredibly spiritual about that. It’s certain truth. Gospel truth.